whatever you say i am

there is no way i can ever do what someone tells me to do. i hate authority and i hate people's opinions and suggestions even more. i have given up this behavior when it comes to my sobriety, however there are only certain people i will tolerate. jersey* is not one of them. why is this bitch still on my brain? because i'm a pussy and i don't stand up for myself EVER. it's so lame.

when i see something good i go for it. that's it. there's no reading into shit or analyzing the situation... life would blow if i didn't take chances and exercise spontaneity. some people in this group don't trust themselves in all areas of their lives. that's fucking gay. i am perfectly capable of making life decisions on my own without consulting people or taking "suggestions," as they like to call it, into consideration. what's the result of my actions? the best fucking weekend of my life.

my tattoo hurts but i love it. the five points, the number, the story, it's great. most likely my favorite out of all of them. i must say i need a break from ink because that's three in one year and at this rate i'll look like a goddamn freak show if i keep it up.

charlie sheen is kind of a shitty actor.

luring someone to do something with guilt is really fucking shitty. i don't buy into that, it just makes me disappear.

so my zones can get pretty bad sometimes. i zoned into a beer glass last night and it was awesome. it's not supposed to be! i like where i go and it calms me down. wherever i go in my zone and in my dreams is a really nice place where i can be myself and i don't worry about anyone or anything. i wonder if the plan is for this "place" to become my reality one day...

falling. i always do it. i fell. i spaztically fell in a driveway in front of two people from the male species. it's much easier to fall in front of family and females. men see us a graceful beings that don't do dumb things like that. i layed in the dirt for a good 35 seconds absolutely humiliated, hoping that what just happened really didn't. yea, no it happened. i busted my ass retard style and had witnesses.

last night i had a dream that i had terrible acne again and everyone was laughing at me. i also had a dream my family was trying to get together for a family picture in front of a rainbow and everyone kept messing up the picture or leaving or blinking or doing something to require i do-over.
dream#1: i'm self conscious, have low self esteem, care what others think of me, and i'm superficial sometimes.
dream#2: i feel tension in my family life and feel that we are always mad at each other or someone in my family is always disappointed in me. i want everyone to always be happy with me and feel like we are together but am constantly falling short and upsetting someone. it makes me feel so bad about myself and despite my efforts in certain areas of my life, there's always a problem in another.

why can't everyone just always be happy and care free?

i'm doing an experiment that has lasted 46 days... i stay positive, find the positive, and enjoy everything. i'm happy. i love it. it works. no matter what.