i keep falling into these biweekly black holes... two weeks ago it was a monday. this week it was a tuesday... so will i give up on life again on wednesday april 8th? it's the same old shit. i call out of work, sleep all day, feel sorry for myself, and continuously ask myself where i'm going in life and how the fuck did i end up where i am now... shit.
i got my raise. $1. wow. i'm so out of here. the bathroom is still broken and my boss forcefully poked me on monday. no, not a facebook poke. an angry poke to my shoulder while screaming at me. i don't think that's allowed. i also don't think you should be allowed to have inches of water on the bathroom floor and expect employees to find this acceptable. it's also NOT ok to rip phones out of the wall and throw things across the room and kick swivel chairs. this man needs to be locked up in a padded cell and see what it feels like to be with himself for a few days. he'd probably commit suicide.
the best part of it all is my friends yell at me and tell me how disappointed they are in me and to pull my shit together and knock off my gay nonsense. all i want is someone to say, "oh my gosh christine i feel so bad for you, you don't deserve this, let me help you and make you feel better. you are such a great person and you deserve the best job in the world and its unfortunate you're stuck in this rut..." hahaha but everyone knows better and i believe that's better in the long run. had exp not yelled at me and called me a fucking baby i probably never would have rolled out of bed and started typing up another resume.
on that note, i left a cd in my work computer titled "resume work" overnight and my boss' wife saw it while i was home in bed not showing up for life. freaking awesome... i can't wait to hear what she's gonna have to say when she comes in today. i'm nervous but at the same time i just don't give a flying fuck.
i have been tested and pushed and dangerously playing on the edge many times in the past three months but i made it. i am hitting 90 days for my third time tomorrow in ten years of trying. i should feel happy but in a way i feel mad. i'm mad i'm where i'm at. i'm 24 years old working a dead end abusive job. i have so many bills and can't pay any of them because my pay check won't last me a week. my cat most likely needs stitches but i can't afford to take her to the vet and even if i could they probably wouldn't see her because i owe them $400. i have a breathalyzer in my car and i can't afford to get the car washed or vacuumed and it's starting to look like a hoopdee. i'm always late for work because i can't wake up without three alarm clocks and my mother. i'm a bum. i'm a loser going nowhere fast. but i have 89 days sober, a family that loves me, and an awesome boyfriend and the best friends ever. so is love and sobriety all i need? it won't help me buy cigarettes and coffee this afternoon... all i have is a few dimes and a crumpled dollar bill. they will help me get through another day and be there to congratulate me when i'm rich and living the good life one day. and then we'll all party hard. (with soda and sparkling cider. ha)
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"Life doesn't get better, WE get better."
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry you're having a tough time right now. I'm usually one of the first to say suck it up or even "pull your shit together and knock off your gay nonsense", but I'm sure as hell not disappointed in you.
You're doing great. A lot of people like to talk about how they made it through the hard times - but they forget to talk about HOW they made it through the hard times: the fact that they bitched and cried and pissed and moaned and sometimes even asked for help when everything about life seemed to suck. They make it sound like the whole character-building-spiritual-development thing is a cakewalk.
I'm generally not friends with those people. I don't think they have enough character or spiritual development.
Change is hard and often painful. You can do it. You're doing great.