fuck my life

so i officially went into my dark world a week ago today. i'm there on the inside despite my smiles and physical presence at places i'm required to attend. i skipped 3 events i was expected at this month, one of which was very important to me. it's not that i'm lazy, i just don't care. i've slept through work once last week and was an hour late another day. i'm barely surviving. my bills are piling up and i have no means to pay them. my boss won't give me the raise i was promised three months ago. our bathroom still doesn't work in our office. my gas light is on and i have three dollars to my name. my face gets red when the pass the basket and i don't even have a god damn dollar to donate.

i went on craig's list to look for a second job.

go go dancing and nude modeling for artists are looking like promising money making jobs that totally go against my morals but i need money. i actually was looking at the ads when i realized i am NOT going to be a stripper just because i'm broke. i'm not at that kind of bottom today. i can live pay check to pay check and survive without taking my clothes off. cheese and rice, i def had a moment of insanity on craig's list.

i write def instead of the whole word because i honestly don't know how to spell it and i never have taken the time to learn nor do i want to because i'm pretty satisfied with writing def.

my boyfriend spoke last night and professed his love for me in front of the entire meeting and turned my face red. it was awesome. he's the best boyfriend i've ever had and i can't ever get sick of this butterflying floating feeling. i'm just really enjoying this entire experience. i get to see the halo no one else knows about when i'm with him... it's a secret tho. i've already said too much. :)

my boss likes to hover over me when i'm on my cell phone at work. i think he thinks he is intimidating me into hanging up but that is not the case. i just keep talking and he just keeps breathing heavier... it's like our own little game of chicken - who's gonna back down first? never me cause he's a douche bag and i could care less if he gets mad. i want my mother fucking raise that i was promised THREE MONTHS AGO. then i'll get off the fucking phone.

the gas station man sat on his ass while i waited in my car patiently at the pump for five minutes on my lunch break. fuck that. i have one hour to myself and this guy is gonna sit there and look at me? no way... so i get out and begin to pump my own gas because i'm awesome and know how to do that unlike other dumb jersey girls. ok so NOW he comes running out yelling at me that i'm not allowed to do that and he could FINE ME! i gave him my "you're a piece of shit" look, shoved a ten in his hands, and got back in my car. goooo ffuucckkk yourselllfff. so how long can ten dollars of gas last me? i'm getting paid on friday so it better last me 4 days... if not, i will go nowhere. not strip.